What can I do to make you love me?

In their chirpy tones, the Corrs once sang “What can I do to make you love me? What can I do to make you care?” Now, a couple of decades later I’m thinking the same thing about Nell. Why? Because she sure as heck isn’t scared of telling me she doesn’t love me.

I know what you’re thinking.

It’s normal! Every child goes through that phase. She’s had a lot of upheaval. A lot has changed in her world.

You’re right. A lot has changed, but this doesn’t feel like a phase. Nell first started telling me she didn’t love me more than a year ago. When it first happened I understood why. I’d just lost my grandad, just had a miscarriage, the cat had died…I was low and Husband had taken the childcare reins while I got myself back on my feet. Then there was my pregnancy with Reuben. Hyperemesis and haemorrhages left me in bed a lot. I was in and out of hospital over the whole nine months and I couldn’t roll around on the floor playing as many games as she would have liked. But whenever I could, I tried my best, and emphasised how much I loved her. Still she would say: “I just don’t love you mummy” on a semi-regular basis.

Cut forward and Roo is in our lives and she really adores him. She’s brilliant with him and I’ve been able to spend a lot more time with her, both alone and in combination with him, but it’s not helping. Yesterday we had a lovely day together. Husband was at a gig so her and I went with Roo, plus some of her friends, to a farm day. We rode in a little train, decorated biscuits, handled ducklings and had her face painted. It was a good day, or at least I thought it was.

This morning I got into bed with her and gave her a hug and a kiss. Less than an hour later she pointed as a cartoon on her wall which shows a mummy and daddy rabbit with their child. She said: “That’s me, daddy and Reuben”… “No Nell, that’s me daddy and you”. Her response? “No, it’s not. I don’t want you in it.”

I just walked out.

The day before, I spent all morning reading books with her and playing vets. We did some crafting (making a bird house) and I baked her a banana bread loaf. She then turned around and said she didn’t want to be with me, she only wanted to be with daddy.

I’ve tried every approach. I’ve told her it’s ok but I still love her. I’ve ignored it. I’ve told her that it’s not a nice thing to say. I’ve told her it upsets me (not all at once, obviously!). But the comments keep coming. She doesn’t want to spend the day with me. She only loves daddy. She doesn’t love me. So, here’s my question.

What would you do?

Is it really a phase when it’s been going on over a year or do I need to suck it up and realise she’s a daddy’s girl and I am not the chosen one, nor ever will be? There’s the argument that she doesn’t understand the full meaning of her words. I can accept that to an extent, but she is an intelligent child, and she knows that what she is saying will hurt me. Smothering her in love clearly isn’t the way forward, but if there is a better route, I am very open to finding it.

Go…..