I’m going to call this a filler blog. It is just a short one to connect more interesting pieces. And anyway, Im sure you’re desperate to know….yes. I ate food on Christmas Day. And it was good food… I felt terrible in the evening but I so glad that I managed it!
In fact, over the holidays my sickness has slowly calmed down. I am still throwing up. Still feel awful if I eat anything much heavier than soup. And I still can’t bear the smell of the walls in my dining room. If anyone has a strong smelling but not sickly candle recommendation… hit me up! The good news is that I am starting to feel more alive. I’ve had energy to tidy Nell’s bedroom, and I hope that I’ll soon be back on top of house and lifekeeping in general.
My next step is regaining the affections of my daughter. Nell has seen me ‘cough green water’ a lot, and she’s been aware that I haven’t played with her, read many books or cooked her dinner for a couple of months now. We’ve explained why but she has still pulled back from me.
Last week she kept referring to her dad as her favourite and I can’t be upset with her for being honest. He would be my favourite too if I felt I’d been ignored by my mum for the last 9 weeks. Just because I am asking for hugs now, doesn’t mean she should have to feel happy to give them. Over the next few weeks, as I start to get ‘myself’ back I will do everything I can to regain that trust and affection that she is not so keen on giving to me at the moment.
Yesterday was a good starting point. I took the day off work and we had a day together, at the park, lunch out, some sofa snuggles and then at a friend’s princess birthday tea. Apart from her begging for more food (trust me when I say she had eaten plenty) we didnt have any fights. It was just a great day.
As a general health update. Life hasn’t been roses and chocolate… when is it ever with me? As you know, COVID put pay to our Christmas plans, and then just a few days later I had yet another bleed and another two hospital trips. For the first time a doctor asked a number of questions and then said… Have you ever been investigated for a bleeding disorder? Hmm… Nooo…should I? On top, I have also tested positive for Group B Step which means another antibiotic drip in labour and for baby when it is born. It never rains but it pours!
I talk about the physical aspects of this pregnancy a lot. But I realise I havent touched on anything mental health wise. As you can imagine, my brain has been through the ringer recently and I think it’s important that I take that seriously and speak to a professional to check in and ensure that I can cope with the obstacles pregnancy is throwing at me. I had the maternity mental health team come over for a cuppa on Thursday, and boy, was it a therapy session! Although I’d originally been referred for the HG blues, it became clear that we need to work on my miscarriage fears and my growing agraphobic tendancies. I’m leaving the house, but only if I know I dont have to go far or do anything physical. I just don’t want anything bad that happens to be my fault. I’m not sure of what happens next, but I do trust that they’ll be trying to help with that fear.
So that’s my quick update. Not hugely interesting, totally unfocused, but I do think writing things down helps me. If you want to read it, that’s just a bonus.
The Honest Parent 